The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.

You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

Last year you hid Easter eggs under cow pies.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."

You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.

You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!"

You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.'

You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

You go to your family reunion looking for a date.

Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your engines."

You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

You take a six-pack cooler to church.

You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.

The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.

You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.

One of your kids was born on a pool table.

Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.

You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.

Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it.

You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school.

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos."

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.


The sound of Fran Drescher's voice doesn't bother you.

You've watched the movie "Deliverance" and you're afraid to go on a camping trip. Ever.

For breakfast, you'd rather have potatoes than grits.

You can name at least 4 hockey teams.

You don't know what a moon pie is.

You've never eaten Okra.

You wonder why people in restaurants don't talk as loud as you do.

You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun & knife show.

You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.

You've never had grain alcohol.

You are familiar with all the rules to Lacrosse.

You have no idea what a polecat is.

Whenever someone tells an off-color joke about farm animals, it goes over your head.

You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.

You've never had bangs.

You'd rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.

You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.

You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.

You refer to two or more people as "you guys" instead of "y'all".

You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.

You prefer a bagel over a donut.

You don't know anyone with two first names (i.e. Joe Bob, Billy Bob,Kay Bob,Bob Bob) (Or as some are called Bottle O Water)

You get freaked out when strangers in public talk to you.

None of your fur coats are made with real fur.

You don't know what a Piggly-Wiggly is.

You think NASCAR stands for the North American Society for...(something)

You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.

Your idea of a perfect meal is "Lahbsta and Clam Chawdah."

You use the horn in your car more than once or twice a year.

Everything you know about the Civil War you learned watching TV.

You don't "reckon".

You're not "fixin" to do anything.

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