If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base.
* Dave Barry

When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?
* Robin Williams

A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad.
* Christopher Case

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
* Sue Murphy

The statistics on sanity are that 1 out of every 4 Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your 3 best friends. If they're okay, then it's you.
* Rita Mae Brown

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
* Jerry Seinfeld

The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me; he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.
* Jerry Seinfeld

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God... I could be eating a slow learner.
* Lynda Montgomery

"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.
* Richard Jeni

Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?
* Lily Tomlin

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.
* Jerry Seinfeld

Have you ever noticed...? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
* George Carlin

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
* Rita Rudner

I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people.
* Ed Bluestone

Don't spend $4 to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for 75 cents.
* William Corrine

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
* Oscar Willed

Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself.
* Mark Twain

Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.
* A. Whitney Brown

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