You know you're getting old when...

I SAID, YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING OLD WHEN...

You can live without sex but not without glasses.

Your back goes out more than you do.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

You buy a screen porch for the front of your car.

You are proud of your lawn mower.

Your best friend is dating someone half their age, and isn't breaking any laws.

You call Olan Mills before they call you.

Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

You sing along with the elevator music.

You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

You make an appointment to see the dentist.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

Neighbors borrow your tools.

People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you ?"

You have a dream about prunes.

You answer a question with, "because I said so!"

You send money to PBS.

The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.

You take a metal detector to the beach.

You wear black socks with sandals.

You know what the word "equity" means.

You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

Your ears are hairier than your head.

You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.

You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

You got cable for the weather channel. ( "Old Folks MTV.")

You can go bowling without drinking.

You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING "MARVELOUSLY MATURE" WHEN.....

1. You and your teeth don't sleep together.

2. Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.

3. At the breakfast table you hear "snap, crackle, pop" and you're not eating cereal.

4. Your back goes out but you stay home.

5. When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.

6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

8. When happy hour is a nap.

9. When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does.

10. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it.

11. When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.

12. When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.

13. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.

14. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired

15. Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.

16. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.

17. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

18. The pharmacist has become your new best friend.

19. Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.

20. The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.

21. It takes twice as long - to look half as good.

22. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work.

23. You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.

24. You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.

25. You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.

26. You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore.

27. You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.

28. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.

You Know You're getting old when...

You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

Your back goes out more than you do.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

You are proud of your lawn mower.

Your best friend is dating someone half their age and isn't breaking any laws.

You could read better if your arms were longer.

You sing along with the elevator music.

You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

You make an appointment to see the dentist.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

Neighbors borrow *your* tools.

People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

You have a dream about prunes.

You answer a question with, "because I said so!"

The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.

You take a metal detector to the beach.

You wear black socks with sandals.

You know what the word "equity" means.

You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

Your ears are hairier than your head.

You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

You got cable for the weather channel.

You Know You're getting old when...

~You're still chasing women but can't remember why.

~You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation.

~You burn the midnight oil at 9 P. M.

~Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 years ago today."

~You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

~You know all the answers but nobody asks you the questions.

~The best part of your day is over when the alarm clock goes off.

~Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.

~The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.

~A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.

~Your knees buckle but your belt won't.

~The little gray-haired person you help across the street is your spouse.

~You look forward to a dull evening.

~You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.

~You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.

~You get your exercise acting as pallbearer for your friends who exercise.

~Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you watch a pretty girl.

~You get winded playing chess.

~Dialing a long-distance call wears you out.

~You walk with your head held high trying to get used to your bifocals.

~Your little black book contains names all ending in "M. D."

~You feel like the night before, and you haven't been anywhere.

~Your mind makes contracts that your body can't meet.

~Your children begin to look middle-aged.

~You begin to outlive enthusiasm.

~You just can't stand people who are intolerant.

~You decide to procrastinate but never get around to it.

~After painting the town red, you have to wait a long time before applying the second coat.

~You finally reach the top of the ladder and find it leaning against the wrong wall.

~You stop looking forward to your next birthday.

~You are 17 around the neck, 44 around the waist and 98 around the golf course.

You Know You're getting old when...

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory, the other two I forget.

You're getting old when. you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

Middle age is when work is a lot less fun - and fun a lot more work.

Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that the darndest time for a guy to get those odds?

You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.

Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.

Of course I'm against sin; I'm against anything that I'm too old to enjoy.

Billy Graham has described heaven as a family reunion that never ends. What must hell possibly be like? Home videos of the same reunion?

A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.

Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.

You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

At my age, "getting a little action" means I don't need to take a laxative.

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.

You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.

You're getting old when your wife gives up sex for Lent, and you don't know till the 4th of July.

You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.

The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.

Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.

Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.

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